The last month of my life has been rather shaky and quite honestly pretty scary and painful. I’ve spent countless hours between three different specialists offices and had endless testing, labs, & procedures done. I’ve been given some scary news and left with a lot of uncertainty as of yet. Yes, another vague blog. The people we have opted to share my personal medical problems with are in the know, and I still choose to not publicly share the details of my health online. Especially since only one of our four children know some of the details of what’s going on. My husband and I both agree, our girls are far too young to understand or to even have to.
So while my life may feel like it’s in a bit of a shamble full of endless fear and uncertainty it’s also full of a lot of faith and hope. My faith has never been so strong. While scared, I still hold out a lot of hope as well. I’m seeing some of the best specialist around. I have absolutely learned that the people we have in our lives are the ones that belong in it. I can’t even begin to get over the support system we have. First and foremost my husband and my mom, obviously. Who live right here and experience it with me daily. The ones that never once let me think even for a moment that I’m going through this alone. They are picking up my slack when I’m weak. They encourage me when I need it. And they wipe my tears when I just need to let it out. My mom helps me all day with Bitty and with Aub & Mad after school while Matt is at work. She just spent the last week being my personal driver getting me to appointments all over town. Dad & Gina came all the way out here just to spend two days with me and to bring me to have a spinal tap done. Susie skipped a weekend at her ranch house just to go sit with me at an appointment to get some results. Our parents have been so supportive whether in the same house or as far as six hundred miles away. My children, without knowingly doing so bring me the greatest joy ever and will forever be my world! Little do they know they single handedly are my reason to keep pushing forward to get through this. Then there are our friends and relatives. Matt’s cousin had a floral fruit arrangement at my door within hours of telling her what was going on. I’ve got certain friends & relatives that somehow manage to check on me every single day. One friend always asks when my next appointment is and what time ,and it never fails when I’m on my way I get a message with just a heart or a smiley face. One friend is always up late at night when our husbands and our children are asleep and we talk about any and everything when we can’t seem to sleep. She’s just good for my soul and probably helps me more than she knows. Some send me Bible verses, that is something I especially love! Some have insight or know someone who have been through a similar situation. Some are just a shoulder to lean on. Some remind me that it’s okay that I’m forgetful, especially even more so these days due to one of my new medications. Yesterday Matt checked the mail and there were two thing in it for me. One was from my bestie in San Antonio, wasn’t expecting a package from her, so that really confused me. And one was a thick envelope from my specialist, which always means more referrals, which always mean more doctors. Not enough of those currently in my life. I of course opened the box from Em first and I instantly started to cry, happy tears this time. It was a box of “SUNSHINE”! She knows I’ve been being slammed lately, especially in this last week with daily appointments and not always the greatest of news and here sat a box full of goodies from a gal I simply adore that lives 30+ minutes away, that took the time to throw together a fun silly box of things to make me smile. With a silly picture of the two of us and a simple note that said “Hello Sunshine I love you!”. I am so incredibly in debt to the people that have been keeping me up, when I could easily just feel down. To the ones that have continuously shown me their love and support in each of their own special ways and all have meant the world to me. Really, I hope you all know how much you are really pulling me through these scary times! I may have my struggles and fears, but I refuse to loose sight of just how truly blessed I am!
Pretty sure I handled this whole back to school bit a lot better last year. Maybe it was because Mad only had half days in pre-k and that softened the blow. But tomorrow our two little ladies will walk into school together, one entering kindergarten and the other her last year of elementary, fourth grade. Mad will now be spending full days at school. She’ll be walking with her big sister and meeting me up at the corner too. As excited and sad as it makes me for them, I can only imagine how much Bitty is going to miss having her two big sisters to play with all day after having them all summer long too.
Our little ladies are in bed, likely tossing and turning thinking about their big day. Their school bags, snacks, & new outfits are ready. Their first day of school papers are printed and ready for pictures and we’ve got apples ready for their teachers too. Mad and I read “The Night Before Kindergarten” more than once. And they even sprinkled some confetti under their pillow to help them sleep, that one of their teachers gave them and they decided to share.
Aub is beyond excited to start her first day as a fourth grader. When I asked Mad if she is happy she replied “I think it’s going to be fun, but I’m a little sad that I’ll be in school all day on Paw-Paw’s birthday!”. I think the surprise that’s coming her way in just a few short days will make up for that disappointment. But it did somehow ease her mind that Paw-Paw wouldn’t be having a birthday party all day tomorrow and will actually be at work while she’s at school.
Now I just pray she is full of happiness in the morning and doesn’t have an ounce of fear and that the only tears shed in the morning will be shed by me when I leave our girls at their school that I can see from our back porch. One of these days I’ll get used to my babies growing up.
If there is one thing my little ladies and I love, it’s always having our tootsies painted. Even my lil Mad…as long as her’s are painted blue, green, or white. Bitty always loves her fingernails done as well. Mad never does. And Aub, well it depends on her mood. But today Bitty decided her baby doll needed her nails polished as well. So while she patiently waited for her polish to dry she happily watched me paint her baby’s nails too. Then Aub asked me to paint her America girl doll’s nails pink as well. And before I knew it Mad took off out of the room to get something. Not to be left out she decided Leonardo…her teenage mutant ninja turtle needed his toes polished blue too. As if I don’t say it enough God I love our four lil monsters and all of the happiness they bring into our lives!
As I was pinning on Pinterest tonight I came across a pin on a New Orleans board about the Louisiana folklore of the “Rougarou”. Growing up down da road I’m sure we all heard about it. If not you can read the pin below that I found on Pinterest.
Anyway, it reminded me of the similar story Corn Pop used to tell me when my mama & Papa Joe used to live down on Bayou Rd about the “woofagator”. The woofagator according to Corn Pop was half wolf and half alligator, it had a wolf head and an alligator body, and it lived in the water. He warned to stay away from the water because the woofagator would eat children that got too close to the water. Of course as a little kiddo I took that warning serious and had no desire to ever come face to face with a woofagator so I stayed my bum away from that water! Now as an adult I realize he was just trying to protect me with some good old fashion folklore to keep me out of that water and keep me safe. And that he did, even if it did scare the bejesus out of me at the time, ha ha. One day when Budah was about five or six we were sitting in the living room with Corn Pop and I brought up the woofagator. I saw this gleam in Corn Pop’s eyes, he was so tickled, but kept a straight face. Budah of course thought I had to be pulling his leg, clearly there was no such thing, right? But sure enough once Corn Pop started telling the story of the woofagator and how he had seen it with his own eyes Budah sat there wide eyed hanging on to every word. Now of course at this point Budah is eighteen, and well I hope he doesn’t still believe in the woofagator? But it is a memory I will always cherish, watching Corn Pop pull his great grandson’s leg the same way he had pulled mine when I was a little girl. He sure was convincing that fella he was! So if you happen to be down da road you might want to watch out for that woofagator!
…goes to Bitty!
Yep our two and a half year old decided to push her cute little metal Melissa & Doug buggy down the stairs. Now daddy has one more thing added to his honey do list: “patch that hole in the wall from our crazy tot!” It’s a good things she’s so stinkin’ cute!
Daddy and I took our three little ladies for their well exams today. Two days ago Mad told me her right ear hurt. I asked her if she wanted to go to the doctor. She said no. Yesterday morning the same thing, but she still didn’t want to go. Only last night she made a comment about Bitty wanting these tiny beads so she hid them from her in her ear! Oh great, she’s got beads in her ear! So her doctor looks in her ear and says “yep, there is two or three of them in here!”. He decided to put some numbing drops in her ears and then try to flush them out. Thankfully it worked. As I held her and he did it he said “oh there is more than three in here, more like eight or nine!”. Oh my word! Only this child! By the time it was all said and done he counted out eleven. Then he turned around and said “make that twelve! Yep, she had a dozen beads in her ear!”. Afterwards we had a talk with her about putting things in her ears and nose (especially after I told him about her recent paper towel up the nose incident). So he told her “the only thing you can put in your nose is your finger and the only thing you can put in your ear is your elbow!”. She’s been trying the elbow in the ear bit out since we got home. So now we’ve got one more silly thing to put in Mad’s memory box…a little zip lock bag full of the twelve tiny beads that once lived in her five year old ear for three days just so her little sister couldn’t play with them!
-Mad, 5 years old, August 2014
“The things you take for granted, somebody else is praying for. Be thankful.”
This quote speaks volumes to me, especially at this moment in my life. I am always thankful for my life and forever counting my blessings through all of my trials and tribulations. Even in my darkest hour I am capable of reminding myself that there is someone else in this world that would happily trade shoes with me. I don’t like to allow myself to have self pity. I know everything that comes my way was sent by God and even if I don’t understand it, it’s happening for a reason.
Right now I am facing one of those scary trials and tribulations and know I have to take it head on. After what I was pretty certain would be a rather simple appointment with a specialist yesterday, I left that office feeling down right terrified. Even worse, my husband sat in the waiting room with our nine year old. So I did what any mama would do. I sent my husband a text and told him we would have to talk about my diagnosis at home because I didn’t want to frighten our daughter. It’s hard enough that I have to understand this situation, I don’t want it on her shoulders just yet. We dropped off my five new prescriptions and came home. It wasn’t easy for me to have to tell this man that loves me in ways I still tell myself I can’t possibly deserve what we will be up against if this diagnosis is correct. And once again he reminded me that we will get through anything together just like we always do. Thankfully I know all too well that he means it and I too believe with him by my side I can get through anything. I’m so blessed to be married to someone that loves me unconditionally and will forever be by my side. It wasn’t any easier telling my parents. Especially knowing how I would feel if the shoe had been on the other foot.
Last night I read up on the information the specialist gave me to better understand my situation. I cried an awful lot and when that didn’t help I prayed. I’m opting to not share my diagnosis publicly until I’ve had all of the test and procedures done to fully confirm her diagnosis. Which mean I will have to deal with a few weeks of uncertainty and quite honestly feeling like my life is in limbo.
A few years ago my dad was falsely diagnosed with stage four throat and lung cancer. It was a scary time to say the least. But the diagnosis was wrong, thanks be to God. As I go through these next couple weeks of anxiously waiting results I’m praying that I too have been misdiagnosed and it is something far less serious.
In the mean time I will continue to go on with my life. I will cherish these last few weeks of summer with our lil monsters. I will look forward to the arrival of out of town guest. I will look forward to more fun summer plans with our lil monsters and my love. I’ll do my best to not live in fear as I continue to choose my faith to guide me through this unknown. I realize this blog is rather vague to most outside of the handful of people we’ve confided in. But this is how I’m choosing to cope. I needed to get my thoughts out, hence the blog, but also need some privacy until I’m sure this diagnosis is right. And more than anything I could use the extra prayers.
Bitty is so iffy around new people & animals. After spending the day with Matt’s old army friend’s family in Killeen she can be quoted saying “that puppy is going to eat me”, “that puppy is going to get me”, & “that puppy is going to bite my butt”. Mind you “that puppy” was sweet and very harmless and had not been near her all day. He was much bigger than Najah so I guess that may have been the cause of her concern. But I have no idea where this little monkey is getting all of this mess from!
-Bitty, 2 years old, August 2014